.25.

Oh, the irony. Last week I complained about the number 24 and how it had put a damper on my life. Well, this week the number 25 has put two AWESOME AWESOME blessings into my life! In looking at the previous post (.lottery.), I did survive the fieldwork lottery and it turned out AMAZING! I picked the number 25...which isn't the greatest considering there are 55 people in our class and I was honestly bummed about this at first. BUT I am stoked about getting to do my clinicals at the best rehab hospital in Indiana and one of the leading children's hospitals in Ohio. Oh boy....does God provide!! Basically, I am busting at the seams with excitement, despite the nausea feelings and trembling awkward nervousness of this morning. Last night, I was texting with a dear friend and she gave me this quote...basically I read the text message at least 20 times between the time when she sent it and when I had to pick my fieldwork sites this morning. Here it is:

"If we can trust God with our eternity, we've got to trust Him with our now."

Ahhh.....so cool. On top of that, I started texting one of my friends at Ohio State during the lottery and she is already planning on hooking me up with her church and campus church group when I move to Columbus. Nothing like planning ahead for something 11 1/2 months in advance...! :)

.lottery.

I don't especially enjoy games involving risks with lots of unknowns...probably one of the reasons I have no desire to go to Vegas and I'm absolutely terrible at poker. Regardless, I hate when hinge around "risky decisions". I suppose that I would define a decision as risky when there are lots of factors to consider and I don't have a certain preference in any direction. Basically that's what Wednesday's fieldwork lottery comes down to. I wasn't TOO stressed about it...until class today. Sometimes I swear OT school is some sort of wicked social experiment. Ya know...something along the lines of "let's stress out 54 people and then keep them locked up in rooms for 8 hours a day all together and see what happens to them". Seriously...these people are stressing me OUT! There are all sorts of deals being made and crazy stuff. Apparently last year, there were people crying before the lottery began. There will probably be a bloodbath with several of our "girly girls" over the children's hospitals in the southern US. And as comical as that may be, there so many reasons I'm dreading Wednesday. The whole lottery process has been on my heart/mind HEAVILY for weeks now and the fact that I have to finally pick my fieldwork locations is INSANE. I'm still kicking myself for turning down an opportunity to go to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota...I didn't want to go because I thought I'd be super lonely, but it ends up that I have a friend going for one rotation, and it would have been AWESOME to live up there with her! However, I can't imagine moving somewhere where I don't know anyone, leaving Indy, or being stuck at a crummy facility for 3 months. To add to it all, these fieldworks don't even start until March 2011, so who know how different my life will look by then! AHH! Regardless, the one thing keeping me sane is the fact that no matter what happens, no matter where I go, and no matter how crazy things get, He is control and He knows that everything will work out for His glory, even though I can't see any of it! Let's hope that when everything goes down on Wednesday that I can REMEMBER that He is in control of this situation, even if the outcome isn't what I want.

.yin and yang chocolate.

I am SO thankful for people, especially ones that I haven't seen in a while/don't get to see everyday. Don't get me wrong, I've been blessed with great friends in Indianapolis, but this weekend made me realize that I am SO blessed to be able to travel and see so many WONDERFUL people who are in my life. When caught up in the busy-ness of school, work, etc, it's not everyday that I realize how much I miss someone or how much someone has impacted my life. This weekend I remembered how important these relationships truly are.
Friday morning I got up early (on my day OFF of class, mind you!) to drive back to Findlay for my swim coach's Hall of Fame recognition banquet. It was AWESOME to be there for the night...and he had no clue that I was coming in from Indianapolis. It was quite exciting. As much as I love swimming, it's not really something I think about all the time anymore. Friday night made me realize how much those 4 years have influenced who I have become, even though it seems like a distant memory. Basically at the open house, I was the youngest person, with the exception of my dearest teammate who also graduated in 2006 (other than us, everyone else was our parents age). It was also awesome to meet some of the FHS alumni who swam 25-30 years ago, and I have heard stories about them for years; makes me wonder how goofy all of us will look when we're that age.
Anyways...after spending 25+ hours a week with the same coach and same teammates for 4 years, you get really close...to say the least. Being able to be back with an old teammate and our two coaches from 2002-2003 season, we had a LOT of fun remembering "the good old days" and I remember what a close-knit group of swimmers we were. What a blessing....I could write pages and pages on what swimming taught me, but I will refrain for now. It was SUCH a fun night to be back with my "swim family", even though a) one parent called me my sister's name and b) lots of the parents couldn't believe that I was old enough to be holding an "adult beverage". After countless weekends on bleachers, hotel nights, and mass craziness, I realize that I only made it through swimming from the support network of amazing and encouraging parents/coaches. SO great. To say the least, it actually made me miss high school.

Saturday morning I got up (early again, but yet totally worth it) and drove to UD. It was one of my HS best friend's birthday and the three of us girls celebrated her birthday together. Once again, SO thankful that I have great friends in my life AND after 4 years and taking VERY different paths in life, we are still close. We spent the day hanging out, playing bananagrams, cooking, and then we went to THE MELTING POT. It might be my new favorite place. We had the bestest fondue EVER, and the evening was topped off with this AMAZING white and dark chocolate yin and yang fondue. If I could taste Heaven, I think that is what it would taste like. Honestly. Regardless, it was just a great chance for us to all hang out with her family, roommates, and have a mini "Findlay reunion" as we are starting to head in even more different directions post-graduation. When I think about how bummed I was to leave my HS friends, it yet again makes me realize how I couldn't have made it through school/band/"the break up"/swimming/picking a college without them. So awesome.

Conclusion: I am SO thankful for the people God has placed in my life. The way he has used them all to create who I am still boggles my mind and this is definitely something that I take for granted everyday. Also, the fact that I am writing a conclusion here makes me feel 1% less guilty about not working on my therapeutic skills conclusion and/or essay right now. :)

.therapy.

I know...quite an awkward title for a post since I think about occupational THERAPY just about all day, every day. This post, however, is not related to anything at all involving school. Essentially, I was on the verge of a meltdown today and I realized that what I really needed to do to vent my anger/frustration with homework was to go swimming. I honestly haven't been too active this semester and the thought of going and swimming laps was slightly daunting. Little did I realize how therapeutic swimming has become for me. I can't even express how much better I feel after just an hour swim (for the record, I did make it 2 miles in an hour....AND I did 10 100's sending them on 1:30...it was a KILLER but way awesome) <-- Also, I apologize that the little side note there made no sense to anyone who doesn't know swimming...my bad! :) Anyways, I'm just SO SO thankful for a re-found love for something that is so energizing and relaxing all at once. Thanks God. Even though I missed out on time to do homework, being able to spend time swimming was WELL worth it. I feel that the same is true for where my faith has been leading me this semester. Everytime I dig deeper and deeper into it, the more refreshing it is. Love it. :) I thought I include a few pics on this post...because I have figured out how to do it now. They are just some old swimming pics from "the good ol' days!"

.24.

Twenty-four. The number of hours in a day. The title of a popular TV show. The title of a great Switchfoot song. Also, the number of reasons our thesis project was rejected by the Institutional Review Board. Why yes, the IRB is cramping my style and in the process of making me MORE stressed...if that is possible. I mean, our project is over-the-top ambitious with a very vulnerable population, but REALLY?! Twenty four things to change and eight days to do them...? Hmph.
However, I know that this is a minor (which could very very very quickly turn into a major) setback in the bigger picture of me becoming an OT. It seems like I just need to be reminded by the hands-on, practical reasons of why I'm going through this ridiculous mess known as grad school. Looking at these pictures is an incredible reminder of why I'm doing what I'm doing. These are people who have had an AWESOME impact on my life and I can only hope that I had even leave a fraction of the impact on their lives.

.dinosaurs.

Ok...sometimes I say dumb things. I think the more worn down I get with this semester, the crazier I get, and I say sillier and sillier things. For example, my roommate and I got our cap and gowns for graduation today. I had to go to a lunch for the incoming class of OT students as a "mentor" after we got our cap/gown but she went home and apparently tried on her "graduation regalia" (I think regalia is such a funny word!). During our lunch, I got a text from her that said she couldn't figure out how to put on our stuff. So after I got home from lunch, she and I spent the next 45 minutes prancing around the apartment with our cap, gown, and hood on. It was quite fun...and I basically came out and said that we looked like "emo dinosaurs" because we COULD NOT figure out how to wear these stupid hoods with our black gowns. Like seriously, these hoods are SO pointy on the ends and if I can't figure out how to wear them by May 1, I'm going to look incredibly silly in front of a large group of people. :)

Regardless, buying the whole graduation "regalia" schtuff and meeting the incoming first year OTs made for a WEIRD day. It started the vicious cycle of thinking about changes once again that are coming right around the corner. 11 more days of school, 12 days til the ridiculously stupid lottery :(, 3 weeks til I move, 22 days til graduation, 37 days til camp, and 11 months until I am on fieldwork, and 17 months until I am a real adult. Scary stuff.

Basically what it comes down to, is that I am quite nervous about the changes coming soon, MAINLY the stupid lottery. I'm sure I shall post about it later....especially the results. BUT God, being so cool as He is, has gotten me a bit obsessed with Needtobreathe's latest CD, especially the song, These Hard Times. I think I listened to it about 8 times today and I have found such comfort in these lyrics...such a good song. Also, its such a reassurance that however the detested lottery goes, He is in control and I know that He will put me in the right place at the right time. So here we go...I love these lyrics!!! :)

Give me something brighter
Give me something I can see
Give me something vicious
Give me something I can be
Give me all the love and peace
To end these wars
Give me something sacred
Something worth fighting for

It's clear enough to me
The ugliness I see
Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer
Give me a way out
Give me the faith
To believe in these hard times

.turkey.

Unlike a majority of the American population, my family did not have ham for Easter. We aren't really ham-sort of people, so we had turkey. We got back from church and my sister walked in the door claiming that our house smelled "like Great Grandma's house at Thanksgiving". I'm not going to deny it...it really did smell like that, which brings me to the point of this post. Thanksgiving is a day when we thank the Creator for everything that He has blessed us with (sorry to end the sentence with a prepositional phrase...). Other than at Thanksgiving this year, I feel that this Easter I have been especially thankful/reflective of what He has done for me. For the first time in my life, my main occupation (sorry to explode some OT lingo onto the blog) is school; at times this semester, it has completely fallen apart. School has been hard before and I've taken some hard blows with relationships, but during those times I've always had a "back up" occupation to pull me through whatever I'm going through. Not this semester. Grad school leaves little time for outside activities, so when it falls down the tubes, there goes me/my motivation/everything. I've had to cling hard to my faith this semester because at times, it's been the only thing holding me together. There have been a TON of mornings where the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is knowing that He is going to get me through the day/the week/the test, etc. It's not the most fun place to be, but I have grown a LOT this semester when all I have left to hold onto is my faith. Knowing that 2000+ years ago, He gave the ultimate sacrifice makes me SO SO thankful that I even have a reason to hold onto something intangible. Without that sacrifice, I don't know how I would be making it through each and every day.

This weekend was awesome. I promised myself to do no homework while I was home, so I left the book bag in Indiana. I thought I just compile a short list of the blessings I experienced this weekend; I suppose this would be an overly obvious example of "making praise a habit", but bear with me. :) Being with home friends and family gives me something tangible to cling to and being away from the books was exactly what I needed. So here we go:
decorating butter cookies with my second family, playing games with my family, playing corn hole, cuddling with my dog, cooking, eating buckeye ice cream with out of town visitors :), seeing the sand sculpture, visiting friends at church, and eating (of course)

I included a picture from the 2010 On Common Ground sand sculpture at the fairgrounds. It was featured on K-Love and I was basically screaming when I heard the little blurb about it :) I fully give any readers of this blog permission (and suggestion) to stalk my latest album of Facebook pictures to see the whole sculpture. It was AMAZING and a beautiful, beautiful depiction of the ultimate and wonderful sacrifice.

.hug.

So basically every time I leave camp, I am on a "camp high" and I stay there for a couple days. I am completely content with that. It just makes me SOO thankful that God has put a place that means a lot to me in my life. I can't even imagine how differently my life would look right now without the experiences and friendships I have made since May. I could honestly blog for hours about how I've seen God work through me in the lives of others since the past summer, but I will refrain since I'm sick-ly and I need to get some sleep soon. Regardless, I was just thinking about how sometimes God works in the smallest little moments in our lives, but those impact us the most. On Saturday night I gave a "sunset cruise" to the parents on the beloved pontoon called Skidmark. The parents seemed to enjoy it, and we saw the resident bald eagles of camp while we were on the lake, so that was awesome. Sunday morning when we were packing up everyone, a mom of a camper came over and found me packing up another camper's stuff. I turned around and she just gave me a big hug (and I just LOVE hugs!!!) and thanked me for the pontoon ride and for helping take care of her son for the weekend. I was SERIOUSLY surprised that this random lady appreciated the work that I had done that much. It was especially meaningful because this camper is one that has a reputation for being very "challenging" for staff. It was such a perfect way to say goodbye to that camper and his family. Having moments like that make every stress/chaotic moment of my job well worth it. And I only have The Creator to thank for placing such wonderful people in my life and for the experiences I've been blessed to have in the last year.
I thought I would end this post with lyrics from Rob Thomas' "Little Wonders":

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

.end.

Once again, I apologize for the repeated posts about new endings/beginnings, but the idea of change has been consistently on my heart and mind the last few weeks/months. I suppose it has really hit me again these last few days. Friday was my last day of fieldwork which was sad! I loved my fieldwork supervisor and I LOVED working with pediatric clients. I'm definitely going to miss the whole enthusiastic/friendly/happy atmosphere of the clinic. Then I arrived at camp on Friday night and one of the program specialists was talking about how this was the last retreat of the 09-10 off-season, which lead us all to the realization that it would be the retreat we worked where it would be only the 2009 Staff. Then I realized that when I go to BW next, I won't be with all of my close friends...it will be a whole new sea of faces, which honestly scares me. I have made such AWESOME friends in the last 10 months at camp and I can't imagine changing things from how I know them to be. And then this morning, saying bye to our campers was REALLY hard. I know we were only together ~40 hours, but our cabin REALLY bonded over such a short time, which I found to be surprising. I was switched to work in the boy's cabin at the last minute because the boy's cabin was MUCH more difficult than the girl's cabin this weekend. I was anticipating the weekend because I knew that we had some campers who are infamous for being "difficult". But it was an AWESOME weekend. Spending time with those guys opened my eyes to how AWESOME they all are, despite the fact that they are a little more difficult to care for.

Back to the point of this post, why do we dislike change? Maybe it's just me, but I feel like there are a lot of negative connotations associated with change. Honestly, for me, I think I dislike change because of fear of the future. I am a schedule-oriented person and I always like to know what's coming next. Unfortunately, that's not how life rolls...but it would be SO much more convenient if I knew what was coming next!! If I already knew where I'd be doing my long-term fieldworks, if I already knew I'd meet a new great set of friends this summer, if I knew that I'd still love being an OT after one great fieldwork placement. That is where faith comes in. Faith doesn't apply only to "spiritual" matters, rather it should be consuming my EVERY worry/concern/stress. Hahaha...it sounds so easy when I put it like that, but yet SO difficult to apply to life. Basically, I have fallen in love with Hebrews this year, so here's some more wise words from The Word:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. -Hebrews 11:!

.rmanova.

Another week down. 1 day of fieldwork, 16 days of classes, a ridiculous large number of presentation/projects/papers and 7 finals are separating me from summer. Although I haven't seen any tears at school in a couple weeks, I think this was the week when people started losing it. I have never seen a group of 17 people be SOOO out of it for 6 straight hours. One person wrote on my facebook wall which then started a long conversation on the wall post, and then the girl behind me starts emailing me telling me to stop facebooking, or she's going to turn me in (which of course was clearly sarcastic). All this was happening while we were SUPPOSED to be learning RMANOVA...which we all clearly failed at (side note: epic fail on my group's part since this is what we're using for our thesis project...oops!) . And then we got to biomechanics and arms were flailing, there was excessive singing/screaming, and there was lots of giggling and speaking Spanglish. Our professor was taken aback when she walked in because normally by Thursday afternoon we are all completely dead. Not this week. We've all passed that point and we're into some sort of laughing/crazy delirium. So yes, I love OT school, I really do, but it's slowly eating away at all of us.
The point I am making with this point is that these weeks of mass chaos are really bonding us and I LOVE to see that. This adversity that we face can really only be understood by each other; I could complain and explain every assignment I have to do between now and April 29, but no one really knows what all this means, except my classmates. We are all SUCH incredibly different people, but we are going through the same trials/problems everyday and that's where such cool friendships are thriving. Its been incredible to be a part of this program and to grow close to people who share the same passions as I do.
Here is the kicker: As much as I love bonding (and venting/complaining) with classmates, what would it look like if I clung to God during all of this adversity? No, not in place of my classmates, because they are great, but what if I clung to Him tighter than anything else. How often do we turn to someone/something because it will give us the instant gratification that we want/"need"? Is that what we REALLY need? He cares about our stresses/problems even more than the people in our lives. It's just so much easier to turn to my friends because they are here, tangible, willing to listen, and usually willing to tell me what I want to hear. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE OT, but what if every time I complained about this-and-that, I turned to Him. Turning to Him would reveal all of that comfort AND MORE. The satisfaction that never ends....something that even the world's best OT student could never provide ;)After an amazing talk at The Dwelling tonight, I have decided to turn these next 5 weeks over to Him. Although it's so easy to turn to classmates, I want to turn to Him first. He knows the future and my trust in Him is what will get me through this temporary time of craziness.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
-Something Beautiful, by Needtobreathe
Oh, something beautiful